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These are the highlights from my first blog. My current blog is Here.

On Desire

i am milky sweet
luscious
smell like musky vanilla,
my favorite body wash.
i am dripping
beads of water slip down my smoothe legs,
little rivulets of water wander down my naked shoulders
from my wet hair to the arch of my back,
caressing.
I am soft and easy to touch,
suppel, and flexible,
warm and inviting-so simple to claim,
for one.
I am lashed with desire,
laden with anticipation,
and tasting of aching need.
I am waiting here for you to come to me,
my husband,
no other will do to satisfy my longing.

On Confusion
i have been ravished at 3 am when my mind could not even begin
to comprehend my whirling desires.
i have been angry far beyond my ability to forgive
for months and months.
i have been shocked to the point of absolute
heart stopping breathlessness.
I have been wildly ecstatic in a moment of
pure delight.
I have also been confused enough to wish i was drunk-
so i'd have an excuse for not understanding-
and frustrated enough to get drunk so that I wouldn't
understand.
and sometimes these emotions are the ANSWERS to
my prayers-
the God i love has a twisted sense of wisdom,
or perhaps my universal translator is broken.

On Waiting
The wind that has been groping us all day
is now raping the streets and yards
building to a climax not yet determined.
It is a crazy night, the kind with a million sirens,
every type of emergency vehicle possible flying past my windows
at warp speed.
There is something about expectant air thats makes people psychotic,
my nieghborhod feels heavily pregnant-
ready to explode
and birth a new level of cruelty, brought by contractions of pure hatred
and insanity.
There is no hope that the storm will miss us,
even as i write the fury of the wind grows still greater
and the radar shows me a crimson line of fire growing ever closer,
ever stronger- like the hardened heart of man-
till it will engulf us all.
Who knows what ruined rags will be excreted in its wake.

On Life
I havn't written for a while because I have nothing good to say really.
Time passes and there are good days
such as the day i spent with my lover at the fair,
and bad ones- spending my saved down payment money to replace the front door
after the house was almost broken into.
Some days i think it will be okay if i never move,
but night time comes i see clearly how optomistic i was being.
there is nothing worse than this hell of a place.
nothing.
I'm sure this is a small and limited view but it's how i feel right now.
but again time passes and wipes away another day-
i guess i have become very disconnected from myself.
my current existence and constant fear is unacceptable to me
and so i live apart from myself, simply going through the motions of daily life
while my self wallows in fear and insecurity and desperate lack of sleep
which simply compounds it's self every day.
i am so far behind in sleep,
and in living and still
time passes by day after day with not a glimmer of hope.
my house will never sell,
i will never escape this place where optimism, and hope and love and respect do not exist,
i will be sucked into this deep empty hole of lethargy,
and my children will never learn patience but only death and fear and worst of all
anger.
The state of north minneapolis today can be described in one word and from this word stems every problem -
ANGER.
these are my fears.
Here in my life I know satan personally- he has devoured every person who walks past my window,
and down my street-
i hear him calling my name and know that one day he will devour all things-
my life my children, my hope,
and the lord is nothing but a thin piece of golden thread seperating me from the abyss.
how long can i cling without falling?
and again
time passes.....

On beginings
I lie sweet and soft,
freshly ravished and newly woken
with the breath of early morning rain whispering over my body
smelling like the promise of a truely new day.
Somewhere in the luscious 12 hours of sleep I got last night-
maybe when he carried me up the stairs not really conscious-
my depression and worry fell away from me and was lost.
I feel new and ready to begin again.
Loved and freed from my cage I recognize hope here in the early hours of morning,
and return to my life renewed.

On Annahalle
my own personal hurricane lives here just down the hall from my too small bedroom.
In the morning she comes in and makes the room desperatly smaller still.
she has no concept of slow, or gentle.
what she calls gentle will either kill you or castrate you, or leave you nipple-less.
countless male friends of mine have come perilously close to being childless because of her running hugs and attack mode.
She could defeat the strongest of marines with nothing but the surprising intensity of her attack.
I call her Anna, demolisher of worlds.
At night she screams her protest at being forced into bed before midnight arrives to turn her into a warewolf or vampire depending on her mood.
Tonight her fury drained her energy stores quicky, due to her lack of a nap,and she expired a short while ago,
thank all the Gods that ever were,
and now finally, we can declare her a national disaster, and beg for federal aid to clean up the mess she leaves behind.
hopefully this will be the beginning of the restoration project-
but more likely she'll jump us in the morning as usual!

On Hatred
And again the black fury of confusion strikes my street,
the anger machine that grinds up the hearts of men,
spilling the oil of haterd into their minds,
slowing down their thoughts and causing them to wallow in revenge,
in demand, in cruelty and disdain, in exclusivism,
causeing them once again to fire their weapons into the night
that never sleeps in this place,
never stops moving, going, fearing, growing,
till shots ring out and sirens blare.
They come from every block within hearing distance,
in the middle of the night,
woken from sleep, or from the seats in front of their t.v.'s,
or even out of eachothers embraces,
to walk the dark streets in search of a glance at somone elses misfortune.
To talk about the hurt and deceased with small minds, thoughtless words,
wanting to be able to say they saw the dead mans face, describe a tongue hanging out, or the blood on the body,
useless hands, or lips, or feet, never to roam these sorry streets again.
I hear the police cars blocking off the block in the dark,
see the lights reflected off my walls, and know I must be satisfied to fall asleep to this erie nightlight,
and I can smell the fear of the law enforcers, whose families are in bed asleep at home,
and know they wish they didn't feel their lives hanging in such a delicate balance-
threatening to cash in on insurance money that would finally pay off the mortgage,
but at the cost of no father to walk the one-day bride down the aisle,
or no mother to help her choose her dress.
My neighbors are new here, and I can see they are afraid and unsure,
not wanting these incidents to become commonplace,
wondering if one day their own children will be in the line of fire- or perhaps worse, be behind the trigger.
I know their fears and feel trapped here with no escape. Only God can save this palce-
I have no authority here- and He must have reason to wait, to bide his time,
but I wonder each day how many souls have been lost, like those just outside my own windows,
and how long we can wait for this savior of ours, who seems so desperastly needed and yet
so very foreign here-
in this place.

On Passion
It gets into your blood, your mind, into your sweat and tears, your being,
squeezing and squirming into conscious thought around kid schedules and necessary diaper changes, and laundry,
saturating my mind with it-
my desire.
It rakes over my body in agonizing rushes, over child filled hugs, hips occupied with the baby, arms demanded by the two year old, mind questioned by the four year old,sending me skittering away from the constant mundane questions and demands,
slipping me into forbidden territory,
my desperation.
It seasons my every moment, project, and chore. Taints the taste of my life till I can't taste anything else.
It completely occupies my thoughts, my soul, teasing me with sweet delectible agony,
my wanting.
Now as I sit here writing about it my longing soaked being begs me to relent,
give up this passion for pitiful words,
and surrender to the moment
of my passion.

On More Passion
feel everything, air on my skin, rubbed smoothe by your fingers, lingering spinning round and round my wrists. I imagine the depth of this touch, how it reaches and connects us, minds to bodies, and the ache of it.
the desire of the feel, wanting to be seperate from everything but you, i need to strip off each peice of encumberance- necklace, bracelet, birthday watch of twisted metal, and all the entrapmeants of my trappings.
twist me not in grabbing, concealing blankets but lay me on a bed of leaves, crackling under a great oak tree. Mix my sunripened skin with the reds and oranges and yellows and browns. turn me into a fall rainbow. Mix it all with the moon.
Shimmer the light of her beauty over my soft, carressed skin, I will feel her cool warmth and be bathed in her saucy sweetness captivated as so many a lover before.
plant pearls around my nape and whistle secrets into my disbelieveing ears. Tease me till I believe. Make me a shadow of your self, and wear me on your skin, on your breath, on your essence. Dig deep into me untill you taste and smell me all day tomorrow. Let me echo around you each waking moment for weeks.
treasure me for I am luscious, i am beauty, i am night, and desire and agony and sweet realease. I am the whisper of nights to come, days yet unseen and all desires are contained in me. Fire is what I am, and flame.
Dream and you will find me there. sweet extacy, and never sleep. Relentless.
Current Mood: erotic

On Helping

I dressed my sleep logged children in the early light of a dawning summer day, tossed them in the car and drove away.
first stop- drop daddy at work, 2nd- drop those not so sleepy kids at grandma's house, 3rd- go to moms to help overhaul her house.
At grandma's I leave bikes, swimsuits, sippy cups, and promises to return by four.
I also leave noah with a quivering lip and tears in his eyes, and a fussy hungry Alex. Anna is content to stay without me.
I gulp back my fear that Noah will be miserable all day and drive away.
Moms house is a blur of furniture moving, carpet cleaning, wall scrubbing, romm re-arranging, organizing, mopping, and all other manner of cleaning activities.
I do not eat anything all day except water.
At 2:30 we call it quits and head to bakers square, I am so very tired, but len calls to tell me he has found Harley Davidson thongs online.-so funny!
We eat and mom tries to talk me into moving to white bear lake for the thousanth time- I hate white bear lake, and I can't afford it anyway. She wants me to be near her- I want to be near other people.
I don't want to be sucked into the family mess.
Finally I disentangle myself from the busy afternoon and rush to my kiddos.
Noah is zonked in grandpa's chair and he had a terrible day- which the dried tears on his little cheeks attest to.
Anna is argumentative and spoiling for a tantrum.
Alex has been sobbing but grandma says only for a few minutes.
I realize how much I just missed them- and also how out of control the night is gonna be.
We pick up daddy and go to supper- lets just say everyone is out of controll.
Anna has to be carried out screaming and forced to stay in her car seat- by me holding her down- most of the way home. Way too tired.
Long day, long night. I think she may finally be asleep but they sure wern't easy and she went to her room an awful lot tonight. I hate to end the night on a bad note, I guess it didn't end as badly as it could have.
boy, this little mercy trip cost me, us, dearly but still, I'm glad I was able to help where it was so despretly needed.
I need some rest- curl me up beside my lover and rest the way only he can give me.
Thank you Lord but providing him as my green pastures, and shallow waters.
God bless all.

On Autumn
Hey, who ordered this FABULAS weather. I could not be more delighted. It's warm but not hot, sunny and crystal clear. Thank God for a perfect day. Anyway, I already took the kiddo's to the playground once today and have plans to have a picnic while trying out a new playground later. (don't worry Eric, I know Lens coming to help you after supper!) It's just too great to be inside. My house is so clean I don't want to touch it anyway. And guess what, I've got the last load of laundry in the washer. Finally!
I ordered some great concert tickets today too, and I can't wait for Casting Crowns and Third Day at the Luis Palau festival on Sunday. Wish you all could come, it's really gonna be great. I think I'll try to leave Alex with Grandma and take the other kids with me. Theres gonna be Veggi Tales there too, and they'll both love it.
Tomorrow I'm going to mom's to get her house ready for Zachary to come home. She's awfully excited, we all are I guess. Anna can hardly wait to see him and neither can Noah. He'll be glad to see Alex getting around too! Some fun huh?! We're gonna have a party for him next week to welcome him back.
So back to the weather- the window's blowing this gentle breeze through my hair and over the nape of my neck. I could let it carress me forver. It makes me imagine cool dusty afternoons picking apples with the man I love near me and my kiddo's biting juicy bites out of them as we walk. It reminds me that he'll hold my hand at laugh at my delight in the pumkins in the patch we'll pick them from, (Anna will try to carry hers but it's always bigger than she is) and then he'll wrap me in his already warm sweatshirt and I'll smell apples, and pumpkins, and him all the way home till we slip under warm piles of blankets and curl up to eachother while we whisper about what we want to give our exausted comforter wrapped sleeping children for Christmas.The moonlight will kiss their faces as we gaze into eachothers eyes and thank the good Lord that we're there together with this plethera of blessings tucked safe and sound into our home. The pumpkins will be waiting patiently for their one night of glory while we close our eyes and drift off to sleep to the sound of leaves rustling down the sidewalk and the light scent of cinnamon that seems to spring eternal in the fall,waking our souls to yearn for the companionship of the winter holidays where somehow, the necessity of keeping warm in the cold draws us together in a way that summer never could.Eventually it will be January and again I will dream of the ocean but for now the allure of impending fall whets my appetite for the chill.

On Relief
I danced with him to the more music from gladiator soundtrack and wept in his arms.
Only a few minutes later they drove away and anna blew me kisses till i couldn't see her any more. i remember thining that if she were to die before she got home i would remember that moment forever. i guess i will anyway.
i had to take noah to the playground to keep from sobbing alone in the livingroom.
But my girlfriends came later, and though prayer time was empty without them, the evening was not a loss.
In the morning the farmermarket distracted me but the afternoon stretched into eternity filled with way too much empty space. my tears might have won me over but eric brought pizza and with it the comfort of frienship.- and yet his hug counts for only 1/2 of a holding. i am at least 6 1/2 behind for the day.
i lay my head down but i could not sleep-till he called me and the warm honey of his voice relaxed me into oblivion.
i woke to sun and a mad dash to meet millers car, go to rehearsal, sing at church, see friends, pick up lawnchairs, go home, make lunch,.....and then the phone rang and a small voice said to come outside- and suddenly i heard a car that could only be mine, kissed a man that only i get to hold, and hugged and hugged and hugged a sleepy little bundle of exaustion.
she told me everything- is still telling me everything, and hugging lots.
and he crawled into bed with me and watched movies and held me for two nights before work and obligations back to our daily lives.
sweet loving, many makeup holdings, gentle kisses and warm words and arms have restored me.
that you Lord for all you have given me. I am eternally grateful.

On Missing Him
Your voice floats to me over the long miles between us,
you sound so confident, so peaceful,
and I miss the warm strong arms that held me yesterday
and begged me not to cry so long.
I have been very strong so far- filled my time so as not to be too lonely,
busied my mind so as not to think of you every minute,
distracted my hands so as not to keep reaching for you- so far away.
You are in one of my favorite places,
but only because I share it with you.
Your soft assurances try to still the ache in my heart,
missing you so.
I guess they're right about not calling home,
it does make the homesickness worse.
I am here but simply,
homesick for you,
you are my home.
Esther says "your people shall be my people and your God my God"-
in essence, you are my home.
I hear your voice coming to me from so far way and I know so clearly-
the place matters not because you are my home.
I adore you, and tomorrow, I shall be home.

On Morning
I could have stayed inbed forvever this morning. The air was cool, the sun was soft, and the arms around me were safe and strong. This is the way I want to wake up every morning till eternity.Skin to skin and and breathing the scent of his soft clean hair.
A few minutes later a small noah crawled in beside me and said "good morning" in that sweet way only a child who looks with joy and anticipation on the coming day can say it. He is just like his father- the soft sweet hair and gentleness to his touch. These are the guys in my life. The ones I have given my heart to- and it is nice to start the day this way.
Soon anna and Alex awake with their own sweet hugs for daddy before work but first this moment with my guys.
I have been hungry for him all my life and even the last five years has not sated me. I wonder if other people crave their husbands the way I do. Even the well behaved church goers who do not even allude to....passion....do they crave their husbands, or are they simply married and having sensible married people....."relations"?
I like to enjoy the gifts I have been given, each of them, and throughly.
The shadows ripple across the pavement and I think that this is the one time of day that north minneapolis is pretty. It has not awoken yet and it still seems friendly. Better show our house in the mornings i think, rather than the unfriendly heat and hatred of the afternoon. no, best to do it now.
mellow today- me I mean- got that succulently loved and lusciously rested feeling you can only really have in the respite of a cool summer morning after days of extreme heat.
I think i'll just sit here and enjoy it.
god bless till later

On Dread

.tuesday. collect the garbage and find an orange slip on the can saying no illegal materials ( pertaining to the concrete chunks from your yard that you are trying to trow away a little at a time so as to dispose of them for free), tuesday.
tuesday. library books are due yesterday, need to get an oil change, it's almost payday, tuesday.
tuesday, three more days left, usually till thank god it's friday but today till I wish it were sunday, tuesday.
he is leaving for the weekend and taking my oldest, the helper, with him.
suddenly, it's just me and the tiny tots.
I'm glad it's only tuesday.
gone with him go the gentle glances, momentery calm me down hugs, sweet stolen kisses, and sudden words of extacy.
gone go the strong arms, tender touch, the feeling of being safe, especially here.
only he can make me feel safe here.
i feel vulnerable-exposed-alone.
the stronger, more rational, more intelligent half of me is going away to cheer on a preschooler at camp. to sleep beside her, eat beside her, play beside her, pray beside her, sing beside her, and lend her the safety and confidence that is normally mine. he will teach her to be on her own, but not quite. he will grow her independance this weekend, with a bit of dependance for a stepping stool. In a few years we won't have to go with her. we'll drive away and let her go. I know i will cry.
but for now i cry because it's already tuesday and soon he will leave me. i am not good at being on my own. i was made to share my soft self with a strong man, and i am forever grateful to have found a safe one. without my beloved i am naked,
and i think maybe i should grow up and learn to be alone but then i decide no,
this is who i am, and i will wait anxiously till he returns safely, and then i will listen to the stories and pretend that i was fine without him.
and later at night when i wrap myself around him and fall asleep breathing his hair i'll pretend he doesn't know it either, and really, we both know and he'll hold me close and whisper to me that he missed me too, under the quarter moon, on the point at night with the wind blowing in the trees,
where 5 years ago we gave eachother our souls infront of all our friends.
and down the hall anna will sleep the heavy rest of one who has finally come home.

On Heat
Anna is sitting at the picnic table drawing with paint that is only slightly more liquid than the atmosphere. She is making christmas presents for people in her color book! sweet huh?
meanwhile noah ( the two year old) is telling her what to draw. His litle fingers are dripping with paint and he stands in front of me shaking his head and saying " i not all done painting yet, no no." of course not noah. alex is eating my toes and clumsily trying to crawl on the sleeping bag i layed out in the yard. She is smiling because i'm pretending I don't see her eating grass. I love them.
i already gave the neighborhood kids two freezies each and it's only 10:00. It's also 94 degrees out, and somehow hotter inside the house. Better get more freezies at the grocery today.theres an ant on my keyboard and I'm too tired to squish it.
i wasn't paying attention and Alex sat herself up all on her own. that's the first time she's ever done that! good day for her. God they grow so very fast, my beloved will be walking them down the aisle before you know it, pushing up the veil and tearfully saying goodbye. i try to remember to pay close attention to them now, because i'll be lonely later.
of course, i'll be in Hawaii with a sexy middle agaed man that i know of! maybe i'll wear nothing but those thin little hawaiian wraps they sell, maybe i'll even buy my own island. I can dream. this heat makes me dream of cobalt blue ocean water stretching on for all eternity. In the summer time I am obsessed ith the ocean becuse i'm so hot, in the witertime it's because i'm so cold. If ever i get sick i'll cure myself by soaking in the ocean till i float away. imagine me playing with the dolphins and seals and swimming with huge sea turtles.
It's too hot to move or to sit still. It's too hot to make love. The summer heat rolls off my skin in droplets adding to the total humidity in the air and i breath the liquid mixture and am glad my body is made of so much water.
I wait for the relative coolness of the night to mix my water with his in the seductive dark while we drink luscious blackberry wine coolers and linger too close to eachother on fan cooled sheets till sleep takes us.

On War
i wonder at the intelligence of man
that they would both take and give life so freely
and yet, respect it not.
the question is not wheter or not it is ethical to go to war-
but whether or not it is ethical
to not help suffering people.
It is funny now that everyone cares about why we went,
now that we can help, lets not now decide
to be frozen with indifference.
I read a story- true by the way-
of a woman with a husband and nine children,
once, in Iraq.
one day the mustard gas came down, they ran-
as they ran her husband and children fell one by one,
dead beside the road, and praying to save at least some of them....
she could not stop running to mourn the fallen.
they were later no more than part of mass graves,
and could never be found and held
one last time, no goodbyes.
she lives now, cancer eating her body
and that of the once infant that she was able to carry
to "safety" that day.
It was neither the first time or the last that this event occured,
not to military men even,
but to the general innocent population.
this story was but 1 of millions.
i see only good in anything that can clense a nation,
even through civil war,
of the dictatorship that sanctions this insanity.
someone, sometime, somewhere, has to stand up
against the bullies and say enough is enough,
even at the risk of their lives.
It is our duty to protect the ones
who are powerless to protect themselves.
they are human beings too.
i question those who would close their eyes,
or leave it all to someone else,
what if her nightmares were yours?